green smoothies and my blender’s revenge

So, somebody convinced me that going on a 10-day green smoothie cleanse was a smart idea. I mean, in what world would I think packing a blender with kale and spinach repeatedly was going to be a fun experience? JJ Smith must know something I don’t—or he’s just messin’ with us. (Or maybe both?)

[INSERT_IMAGE_1]

I started Day 1 like everyone, I guess, hopeful and slightly delusional. Off I went, chopping an infuriating amount of spinach. Ever notice the tiniest leaf looks like jungle foliage once you start prepping? Add a banana (because gross without it) and some almond milk. The outcome? Surprisingly drinkable but definitely weirdly textured. My blender wasn’t too happy with the green goop treatment either. By Day 2, I felt like I had inhaled an entire salad bar. And the blender? Still angry. Seriously, it needs counseling or something. Yet, there I was slurping through the forest in a cup.

Somewhere by Day 5 or 6, my daydreams about pizza started turning into vivid hallucinations. Let’s not even talk about my mood swings. Who knew depriving your body of everything except liquid green mush could unleash your inner hulk? It wasn’t pretty. But JJ’s cleanse promises a whole new me by the end, so I soldiered on, comforted by the tales of others who’d survived this leafy ordeal. Oh, the things we do for ‘wellness’.

[INSERT_IMAGE_2]

Day 9, I about threw my blender out the window after yet another green explosion. I forgot to tighten the lid properly; ironically, that thing is secure enough to stay on during an Armageddon any other time. Well, apart from feeling adrift in a green sea, I was starting to fit my jeans a little better. (The only silver lining.)

When Day 10 finally crawled around, I was living on autopilot, dreaming of the apocalypse of avocado toast and bacon. Some swear by this green potion magic for weight loss, but all I learned was I like chewing food too much to abstain from it again. My eyes still hurt from all that leafy mess. I need coffee. Ugh.