coconut milk? why bother?

So, coconut cream lattes are this big thing now in weight gain world, huh? Full-fat canned coconut milk hits you with 400 ridiculous calories per cup. That’s right, just one stinking cup. Is this the magic bullet for getting bigger? More like magic fluff for your wallet and gut. Who thought, “Hey, let’s drink canned fat to bulk up”? Like I need a fat headache on top of everything.

What really bugs me is the keto crew using this stuff like gold. Keto, schmeto—I’m eating pizza while these folks gobble up solidified oil goop. Let’s just make drinks out of solid calorie cubes and call it a diet trend. Almond milk, coconut milk, milk-that-isn’t-milk… and people say science fiction is weird. But sure, let’s gain weight by sipping creamy tropical madness all day.

Drink it if you dare. You may look bigger but it’s probably because you can’t move after guzzling this calorie avalanche. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 400 calories in a tiny cup of paradise if paradise was edible glue. Is anyone even reading my gripes? Whatever.