heavy metal detox is a joke

So, we’re all dying from metal. That’s right, mercury, lead, and aluminum are apparently staging a coup in our bodies, and somehow the solution is overpriced binders that sound like wizard spells. Seriously, do people just wake up one day and decide, ‘Hey, my life needs more chore—zeolite chore’ or ‘Can’t wait to spend my paycheck on chlorella.’ Because what could be more fun than playing Russian roulette with algae?

Let’s not forget the stellar advice of ‘slow titration,’ like we’re some chemistry set nightmare. You mean to tell me I have to incrementally introduce bowls of herbal dust into my already questionable diet to avoid some nonsense called a ‘Herxheimer reaction’? Sounds more like herpes to me. It’s just this specific text kind of madness that makes me question everything.

And speaking of madness, you ever notice how every single one of these guides takes itself more seriously than seasoned lawmakers during a budget meeting? As if putting cilantro in water is the new holy grail. What next? Junk food rehab for the mentally stable? I’m done.