I stumbled upon the idea of “new” keto breakfast recipes for 2023—like we needed new ones after last year, right?—and immediately thought of all the times I tried to make this stuff and ended up with a burnt cauliflower pancake. The hype around these breakfasts is ridiculous.
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So, there’s supposedly this idea that keto equals clean eating, which frankly seems like a diet cult indulgence masquerading as a personality at this point. Who’s got the time to whip up these “quick” breakfasts? Oh right, the people who own a Vitamix and call almond milk “my beverage of choice.”
One of these new ideas is like an egg wrap, which totally sounds promising until you end up with rubbery egg sheets. And then there’s avocado toast, keto-styled. I’m talking guac plastered on a wannabe slice of bread made from almond flour, which costs more than getting avocado toast delivered twice a week. Why can’t they just call these meals “the stuff you won’t eat twice”?
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Maybe it’s me, but these “nutritious” options consist of bacon—I mean bacon!—which screams health less than a donut does. And then there’s something like coconut oil drizzling. Just try explaining that stuff to your grandmother who swears by butter for everything.
I’ll give them one thing. These meals are photogenic (might make a decent Instagram post while I sip my coffee and pretend I like kale smoothies). If you’re curious what the hype is about, I tripped over this long blog about wellness trends that included this list. Maybe someone out there will cajole themselves into trying it. My blender and I will be on keto strike till some new fad knocks on my door.
Honestly, the effort seems akin to gourmet prison food. Ah well, my eyes still hurt. I need coffee. Ugh.
