yolk in coffee? seriously?

Yolk in coffee? Who thought this up? Who woke up one morning and said, ‘Hey, you know what my morning brew needs? Raw, gloopy, salmonella-y egg yolks!’ I’m telling you, the world is going mad or maybe the “primal” folks are predicting some apocalyptic breakfast where bacon is forbidden, and this is their dark solution.

I seriously can’t imagine rolling out of bed, still half asleep, reaching for my trusty mug of caffeine hit, only to find it staring back at me with two floating eyeballs of egg yolk. Forget rocket fuel; this is ‘gross fuel,’ the kind that you’d only consume if there’s nothing—absolutely nothing—else left on Earth.

And can we talk about the texture? Coffee is supposed to be smooth and comforting, not treacherous and lumpy. I get it if you want to channel some weird chef’s secret by infusing your meal with more “primal energy,” but why does my beloved coffee have to suffer this freakish science experiment? If your cup-o-joe can’t give you enough “oomph,” maybe just drink whole milk with a pile of sugar attached.

I’m done trying to comprehend these ridiculous trends. It’s like culinary chaos has taken over. From now on, just keep your egg cartons away from my coffee mug. I’m done.